Start em, sit em, and other fantasy football advice.
Last night my wife and I went to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. We ate at Caf Cancale, a Wicker Park restaurant meant to emulate a seaside French caf. I had the black truffle corn ravioli with pecorino. It was one of the best meals Ive ever had. Of course, the day began at Best Intentions, a bar up in our old neighborhood, Logan Square. We hit Broken Shaker in the Freeland Hotel. Then we regrouped and went to Cancale and finished at the Charleston. It was fun and were truly lucky to have the privilege to enjoy such a day.
Also, Im hungover. And I told my wife I wanted her to write my introduction this week. So while watching the Ravens and Chiefs game and drinking a Lone Star, I handed her my computer. This is what she wrote:
Hey goofball football fans! I hope you had a great weekend. As for me. I am hungover and not well-rested. I had an anniversary celebration with my wife meow! but I am not a young man anymore. And neither is [fill in old football players name]. Watching him play this weekend was like watching me try to have patience with my mother. IMPOSSIBLE! Well, guys, its time to talk about the pretend football now. Did you know that this isnt actually real and none of it matters? GLOBAL WARMING IS HERE. But lets decide which guys stats will help us gloat with our friends and win enough money for a large pizza and some beer. ANYWAYS, love you guys thanks for being my fans. One like = 1 pray.
This was a first draft written in about five minutes. She said she wanted to write it like me only funny. Lets be honest its better than anything Ive ever published.
Theres no proper segue after such nonsense so lets move straight into the pickup of the week. The obvious choice is Wayne Gallman with Saquon Barkley injured at least four weeks, possibly eight. Dont forget Daniel Jones is still a rookie and it wont be roses every week. If theres space on your squad and youre desperate, Im guessing this includes almost everyone three weeks in, Darrel Williams should be rostered. Theres no telling what this backfield might look like week-to-week. Hes like a lottery ticket but the prize is an Applebees gift card.
So, with that, I smoked a bowl, got back to zero, and were ready for Week 4s Smoke em, pass em.
Matthew Stafford vs. Kansas City:Normally Id never think of putting this guy on the field. But this is a special occasion. Kansas City was on wet ground at home last week. Patrick Mahomes still managed to throw for 300 yards in the first three quarters. Mahomes could play submerged underwater and hed still be better than Stafford. Detroit gave up 300-plus to Kyler Murray, nearly 300 to Philip Rivers, and a gimpy Carson Wentz throwing it to zombies topped 250. This game will be over by halftime and we can only hope Stafford gets his stick and garbage bag to clean up.
Josh Allen vs. New England: These days its silly to even suggest sitting this madcap. New England has given up less than 600 total yards. Total. For three games. They havent even allowed a TD. But the teams theyve played havent won a game yet (Steelers, Jets, Dolphins). Even if we assume this D is great, Allen will be forced to push the ball downfield. And arent we just tired of this nonsensical perennial dominance? Isnt it time a rebel unseats this empire? Im tired of it. Youre tired of it. Now go out there and win one for the Mafia.
Devonta Freeman vs. Tennessee:This has been an ugly start for what everyone once thought might be a retro version of Freeman. Long term he seems like a terrible option. Id sell if theres a window after this week. But Tennessee got beat up by Gardengnome Stemcell and even Baker Mayfield moved the ball on them. Matt Ryan should carve them up and leave them for Freeman to feast.
Wayne Gallman vs. Washington: It wont be easyfilling the shoes of a guy who touches the ball 50 times a game and the entire offense revolves around. But theres good news because at least its that were digging into Daniel Jones locker. Turns out one reporter said Jones cussed in the huddle and after the game refused to give a speech and just yelled Giants on 3! Danny Dime is just an unselfish, go-get-em, no-nonsense sumbetch thatll do a lil cussin if the troops need a jolt in the arm. Unleash the Gallcow behind him.